Carried

This weekend was sooooo much fun!! We got to spend the weekend with THE GREATEST MOST ADORABLIST grandbaby in the world!!!! Oh yes we did :0)

Well, on Saturday evening he was getting fussy, so I took him into the office and started playing him my playlist music that's on my computer (much like the music that plays in the background here ) he LOVED it!!!!!! He immediately started calming down and went right off to sleep laying on me. It was THE BEST!!!! One of the sweetest moments I've shared with "little guy" !!

While he was laying there sleeping and the music was playing in the background, God started doing a work in this daughter's heart. He started reminding me of all the struggles I had getting pregnant and then the struggles I had and never overcame to get pregnant again. He reminded me of all the pills I had to take so I would ovulate, and of the disappointment of having to go in EVERY month when I was late starting to find out I wasn't pregnant and had to get more pills to ovulate and the process would start over; this went on and on for months.

Carried.

He reminded me of how defeated I felt going into the doc's office that December day, some 16 years ago now. Going in to hear "you know the drill" taking the pregnancy test (because late again) and then expecting to hear "not this time" but wait, Oh the sheer joy and elation when at last the nurse said "we can't give you the pills this time, because you're pregnant!!" Oh the joy of that moment !! it is forever etched in this girls mind.

Carried.

As I was thinking about this VERY difficult time in my life, God whispered to my heart "I carried you child". As I was holding Skylar a realization came over me ~~ God was holding me like I was holding Sky. Through that time and so many others He has been carrying me.

You might find it quite interesting that during that time in my life I was not in a right relationship with Jesus. I was living my own life and doing my own thing. Yes mine is a testimony of many failures. But it is also a testimony of the faithfulness of my very loving God. Who kept lovingly bringing me back to Him. Amazing.

Carried.

Then I started thinking about the time since I had Dakota and my desire for more children and just not being able to get pregnant. In 2005 I started having A LOT of womanly problems. I've always had a difficult time, monthly speaking, every since the beginning (if ya know what I mean ;) but in '05 things started getting increasingly worse. I started having pain on my lower right side. So I went for my yearly check up and the doc said she felt something unusual, so she sent me for an ultra-sound. I laid on that table for over a half-hour with the tech going over the same spot. And then had to leave without them telling me what they found. That was hard.

Carried.

Well when the results came back, the doc told me I had a tumor on the back of my uterus, and then in the meantime my blood work had come back and I was anemic. So she sent me to a specialist and then stuff started happening. The new doc said that she wanted to do a DNC, hysteroscope, and a laproscopy. Basically exploratory surgery. So in September of '05 I went "under the knife" and had the surgery. And what she found: well, my right ovary was not viable anymore. It had 3 tumors on it and the equivalent of varicose veins going up the side of it, so she removed it. She said that it was actually something she didn't see a lot of, but the only thing you can do was take it out.

Carried.

Well, six weeks after the surgery I asked the doc if we could start trying to have children again. She said she didn't see any reason why not. We were thrilled, but it didn't last long. Almost immedietly I started having problems again. I started having breakthrough bleeding and so they put me on the pill. Well, that was not conducive to having children ~~ and then even on the pill I had a constant monthly, well you know (I know a lot of sharing in this post). So when I told doc that the pills were not working, she sat down and wrote a very detailed report to her nurse to convey to me. (I so appreciate good doc's!!) Well, at the end of the report her recommendation was that I have a hysterectomy. Carried.

That was hard. My husband and I wrestled with it. I remember Dick looking at me and saying, "It's just so permament." That is exactly the way that I felt to. It just seemed so done if we did that. But at the same time I was in pain all the time and having a constant, you know, is no fun ~~ so we prayed about it and felt much peace, and decided to have the surgery.

So Carried.

The morning after we made that decision, I got up and was moving about my kitchen thinking about it, when "it" hit. A grieve so deep in my soul, I can't even explain it. I cried from a place I had never cried from before. I felt God was letting me grieve over something I wanted so badly but would never have. His answer to me having another child was no. But even in the no He held me. Even in the no He carried His daughter.

I felt this way for about 30 minutes. Yep 30 minutes. . . and then peace. I called the doc later that day and set the appointment, and then on March 30, 2006 I had a total hysterctomy. It was the hardest surgery I've had to date. But we got through it.

It's nice not having a, you know, but the pain of not having another child is very hard sometimes. Even as I type this the tears flow. But so does the gratefulness to my God for answered prayers. Did He answer the prayer of another child for me? He did; it just wasn't the answer I wanted. His response: He held me tight and carried me through.

I cannot even tell you how deep in my heart I was suppose to write this post today. God has a plan. That I know for sure. As I was holding Sky this weekend and carrying him everywhere he needed to go, I was struck so deeply on his dependence on us, and even more deeply of my dependence on my Father. I could not walk through these days without my Jesus. I could not.

He is holding me. He is loving me. He is carrying me.

The next two weeks will be difficult ones for me and my family. I'll be posting more about that soon. Also on Friday I got the detailed information about our trip to Mayo, and I'll be posting that as well. Thank you to everyone who shares in our struggles by reading this blog and holding us up to the One who carries us!!

We love you~~~