Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Who is in control here anyway?!!

So here are some things on my heart today.
1. God is good ~~ oh yes He is!!!
2. I am loved beyond measure ~~ oh yes I am!!
3. And I am not in control ~~ oh no I am NOT!!!
So you've probably guessed it - it is the last one that is on my heart today and the last one that gets me in trouble A LOT!!
I try so hard to control my life, when really it isn't mine to control.
I relinquished control of it when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior ~~ Hallelujah!!
So why? Why do I want to control it and why don't I get it before it's out of hand?
Because alas . . . I am human!!!
So what am I talking about you ask?
Back in Feb I had the 5th knee surgery and prior to that I'd had to stop exercising aerobically because my knee cap was out of place.
So I now had an excuse not to exercise, problem is, I really like to exercise.
I used to be VERY overweight and exercise helped me lose 100 lbs about 12 years ago, and I've kept it off pretty well over that time.
Well, so now I was faced with what to do about the whole exercise issue.
I decided to eat instead.
Now those of you who have dealt with being really overweight for a long period of time
(for me from about age 13 to 30)
know the difficulties that come up as a result of letting yourself get to lax in this area.
Yep I was in trouble.
But instead of doing the hard thing and making myself exercise in ways I didn't want to,
I stopped all together. Bad, BAd, BAD decision.
I thought I had it all under control. . . I even told myself that. Ohh boo, I know better. But I didn't heed my own warnings and kept on.
So things continued to go downhill in the knee department, so I ate some more.
Yes still knowing better.
My psyche can't handle overeating. . . nope it just can't.
As a result of this I have gained approx 20 lbs since Feb ~~ FEB (dumb girl)!!
Well, we got the news that Mayo was accepting our case and travel prep began.
So I've already posted about the trip and the developments and how I am now preparing for surgery in November.
And part of that preparation is getting my knee out as straight as possible and bending it up as much as I can.
When we found out what I needed to do to get ready for November, God really started working on my heart in the area of food and how I was treating my body.
Of course I thought immediately, maybe I can lose 10 lbs before we go and started of course putting numbers to it and how I'd lose it and blah blah blah . . .
but then God (love that) put this thought in my swirling head,
"Every pound you lose will be one less pound your knee will have to carry around."
So, I recognized quickly what was happening and how I was trying to make this about losing weight, when really it needs to be about getting healthy and getting my knee and body as strong as it can be in the next 5 weeks.
There is so much more to say about this and perhaps I will in up coming posts.
But God has really laid something concerning this whole issue of control on my heart.
About 2 weeks before we left for Mayo I was in my car and "East to West" by Casting Crowns
came on my CD.
Now I have heard this song many times, but this time as I was singing, a line of this song just stuck out and God started working on this girl's heart preparing her for what
lay ahead. . .
"Time and time again Your Truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in"
Stop . . . Breathe . . . this is for you . . . YOUR DROWNING OUT MY TRUTH BECAUSE OF THE STORM . . . STOP IT CHILD!!!!!!!!!
I kept rewinding to that line in the song again and again. How true it was!!! The storm was drowning out the Truth!! Yes my knee has hurt every day for a long time . . . yes it gets tiresome . . . but yes GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS OR ANY STORM!!
And He wants to be!!!!!
I was eating to numb the storm raging inside of me, even if it was just momentary relief.
I was eating, because for a moment, it eased my pain.
I was eating because I was being selfish.
Shame on me.
So today I am working out everyday to get my knee and body ready.
I want to be as strong as I can be for surgery.
I want to give my body the best chance of success in this surgery ~~
And my eating . . . yes back under control ~~ God's control ~~
Thank You Lord!!
So why do I write this?
If there is an area in your life, whether it be food or something else
that you struggle with to control . . . turn it over to God.
He loves you sooooooooooo much!!!!!
God brought to my mind the scripture in Matthew 14 where Jesus walks on the
stormy water and Peter wants to as well. Jesus told him to "come" and he did.
And for a moment he walked on the water why?
Because his focus was on the Savior ~~
Peter was showing great faith in that moment, but it didn't last. . .
As soon as his eyes were off of the Lord and on his circumstance he started to sink.
Oh how I am like Peter sometimes. I get my eyes off of my Jesus and on my circumstances and I start to sink.
The good news is that Jesus "immediately" grabbed hold of Peter, and He does the same
for us. . . when we cry out He is right there . . . picking us up.
Thank You Lord for reminding me of this passage of Scripture,
And Thank You for always immediately coming to my aide
when I cry out to You. You are God and You are good and
You are in contol!!


  1. WOW! Being an "emotional" eater myself & having lost weight & gaining it ALL back -I completely relate to EVERY word you said here! I needed to hear all of this today especially! THANK YOU!

    And how awesome that you are turning over the control to God to get you where you need to be in time for your surgery! God is faithful - He will take care of you!!!

    I just love visiting your blog - you are so inspiring!

  2. Thanks, Dawn, for the reminder that we are NOT in control. That's my biggest stumbling block (certainly not my only one, but the biggest one).

    God bless you for sharing your journey. :-)

  3. I just studied the issue of control in my Walking by Faith bible study (our ladies ministry is doing that study this Fall). And we studied Peter. I am so a Peter!! Regarding storms Jennifer Rothschild writes "Sometimes storms surround us, and the discordant sounds of our circumstances are so loud that they drown out the music. But deep inside us is a song that can rise from God's presence in our life. Even when the storm rages, our repsonse can echo the melody of fredom within us."

    This is a great study! I'll be praying for you!!