The Struggle Underneath...

So today I will be transparent. Like really transparent.

Lately, I have struggled. Struggled with insecurities, struggled with inferiorities, struggled with inconsistency, struggled with myself, ya know struggles.

The one thing I don't want to do is appear on the outside that everything is okay and I don't have struggles, (much like the lady I told you about last week), I choose to be transparent. So in choosing this way, I am also choosing to deal. Hmpffff. Yes I must deal with the struggles that cause me to struggle, ya know?

Yes it is the struggle underneath the surface that I have dealt with from my earliest memories. My earliest memory is when I was about four and I'm sitting at the kitchen table with my beloved grandmother. She was, in my estimate as a four year old (and all the way up to a thirteen year old, when she went home to be with Jesus), the grandest, wisest woman to walk the planet. I listened and longed to be just like her. Well, when I was four I remember writing or coloring (not sure which) on a piece of paper, and I remember my grandmother looking at me like something was wrong. She took the pencil (or crayon ?) out of my hand and said, "We'll have no lefties in this household. You will write with your right hand." And so I did. And do. I do lots of things left handed, but I write right handed, because my grandmother said so, and for me, end of story. But what I remember is feeling badly that I didn't know that it was wrong to right with my left hand. Which it isn't and I know that now, and if you are a leftie, I am one too, at least at heart. =) But even from that earliest memory I felt bad and insecure.

That carried on through and up until just more recent times that has been the norm in this girls life. I have always been so insecure about what I wear and how I look and how I act and will I laugh too loudly or not enough, or if I'll say the proper things at the proper times, or if my husband or son will be embarassed by me, or if I don't know enough.....and on and on and on and on, and I could just keep going with the insecurities.

Well, about a month or so ago I did LOAM with Lisa Shaw at her web site, and through that seven day laying it down, I layed down fear, which has been a huge stumbling block for me in my life and since that time until this God has been dealing with my heart on other things, like people-pleasing and insecurities. And can I just say one bleeds right on into the other.

Last night we, Sweet hubby and I, had a conversation with Dak, in which my sweetie was telling him how insecure I used to be, and how I used to cover it up with humor. He said I was always the life of the party with my humor. He said I was hilarious. But he said that it was a covering method for me. I didn't know who I was or how I felt, so I covered the insecurities with humor and I was good at it. Thank you honey, but I WAS funny? I.am.still.funny. Thank you very much =) hahahahaha But he was right. I used to cover it with humor. Now I am not as funny (still funny =) but that is because I am choosing to deal with the issues that have caused me to be so insecure. And that is a good thing!!!

It just got me to thinking about how far I have come in this area, but also how far I still have to go. I am so thankful that Lisa was obedient to do LOAM with us, because of that consecrated time with Jesus He has revealed many things to me even now. So thank you again Lisa.

I'd like to leave you with a Scripture today and a song. I memorized this Scripture earlier this year and I love it. It actually helps me a lot to overcome insecurity, because it just simply is not about me. And when I remember that everything I do should be as unto the LORD and that it is about Him and being about His business, the focus is off of me and onto Him where it should be and my insecurities melt away in the warmth of His love and loveliness.

Romans 12:9-13 "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor serving the Lord.
12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
13 Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitiality."

Now that is a verse that will keep me out of insecurity and focused on my Father's business. Amen? Amen.

I'd like to leave you with a video today from Tenth Avenue North. It talks about love, real love. The kind of love that caused our Savior to come and die so we could live. This love poured from His hands and His brow. This love flows through my veins as a believer today and without it I could not exist. He is my all in all.

Thank you for listening today and lest you think I'm going crazy on you, let me set your hearts to rest. I am fine. I just needed to be transparent and set my heart on things above and this helps.




I love you all so ~~ have a Blessed day,