Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I am NOT doing this well.....yet.... but change is a comin' .....

Oh my, where do I even begin?

Let me start with the obvious: sitting is hard. I am bad at it. Beginning to wonder if I'll pass this test and it has only been one week today since I started. Oh my!!

Yesterday, I did not set well. You see, I feel so obligated to my life. Does that make sense? My husband works hard all day and it is just so hard for me to have him come home to a wife who has done NOTHING all day long but sit.

So, yesterday I thought I'd help him, and me out and just do a little. Little I tell ya. I put dishes in the dish washer and did 3, 3 not 30 but 3 loads of laundry. And guess what? It was to much. About 8 PM my knee started burning, bad. And hurting and swelling and me...tears. Even this morning tears. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at my knee. I want normal knees. I ..... I ..... I ..... disgust me. (Just keeping it real!)

This is one of the moments in all this that I want to remember..... need to remember that God is in control and I am not......need to remember that He has my back and He knows how much this hurts and He is NOT surprised by my feelings in all this......He loves me still.......

I want to do it all. Well, guess what? I can't. I can't do it all. I can't. Last night was proof of that. Yep. Total proof of that. Can I just tell you that I'm a little concerned about my knee right about now. I seriously didn't do that much yesterday and yet last night, it was not well. The bone burning and pain, terrible. Me? sad.

So we went to bed and I started (for the second night in a row) feeling pain in my rib cage. I tried to ignore it. I tried to just rest and relax, but the pain kept increasingly getting worse. I knew what was happening and I knew what was coming. Remember a year ago August when I was rushed to the hospital with what we thought were heart problems, yep it happened again last night. Dick saw me struggling and came to my side of the bed because I was about to pass out. Hmpfff..... Dick got me some water and Maalox and a cool rag and I started getting better. So I know that this is esphageal spasms and it HURTS. And I know in me what is causing it: stress.

Stress. Ugly, awful, me not-trusting, stress. It is hard. There is so much going on in my life right now. Things I wish I could change, but they just aren't up to me to change and other things that I wish would just get better already: hello knee!?!! But in it all, I KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED AND AM PERSUADED THAT HE IS ABLE TO KEEP THAT WHICH I'VE COMMITTED UNTO HIM AGAINST THAT DAY!!!

I know He loves me and is working to help me every.single.day. This I know. It's just hard right now.

So where do I go from here. Umm..... to my chair or couch or anything that involves sitting. I am now convinced that I MUST do this. Yes, I am stubborn, but I can be taught!!! And I do listen, eventually =)

Thank you for your prayers and comments......
I love you all so ~~


  1. Oh my sweet, stubborn friend ;)

    I can totally hear your frustration & sadness & anger in your words. Its hard when we realize that we cant do it all.. .but we cant :( But that's why God puts people like your family & friends in your life to take up the slack...

    So I did get freaked out thinking of you having one of those attacks again. I've been in your husbands shoes - Ricky does that - which has led us to many Hospital trips thinking it was a heart attack. So I understand the fear in that... I'm so sorry you are going through this time in your life.

    Wish I was near so I could just sit with you - then it'd be sitting with laughter & knitting lessons & scrapbook lessons for me! :) Hang in there... healing will come... joy comes in the morning - right?

    HUGS & love to you!!!

  2. Oh, I'm sorry to read that Dawn. Wish that knee would heal up sooner than later so you can get back to "life"...and yet, sometimes the greatest lessons are learned in seasons of forced rest. Irritating, but well worth it in the end :) That's my prayer for you tonight...perspective while you wait. I'm so sorry, I know I'd be a basket case by now! Hang in there!

  3. sweet Dawn- I am so sorry that you are having a hard time! I will continue to lift you up in prayer - you are so precious!!!

  4. I'm sorry, Dawn, that you are going through all this. I am so thankful that we have a God who is able...