Tuesday, October 9, 2012

From Crushed to Blessed.....

Yesterday I went somewhere I had not been in years.
I found myself in a town I lived in as a 19 year old young bride.
So hopeful.
So happy.
So young.

One of my friends lives in this town
and yesterday I found myself there.

On the way back from her house,
I had a little time.
So I did something I had not done in years.

I went to my first husband's grave. 

I know what you must be thinking,
"She doesn't go every year?"

I don't.

It has always been so hard.
Crushing really.


And this time.....
The feelings came rushing in,
even after all these years.
26 years in fact since David passed away, 
and those feelings came flooding back in.....


It came in quickly.

It was hard.

I wasn't sure what to think,
I mean it has been 26 years.

I stayed for quite a while.
Since I had been there, David's sister Kathy
and his dad Wayne had also been laid to rest by him.

As I tried to take it all in without letting the feelings over take me
as they had so many times before,
My eyes went to his tomb stone.


The night before David died we were talking about tombstones.
You see my 18 year old sister had just died 3 months prior in a tragic motorcycle accident,
(she was just 5 weeks from graduating high school.
It was so devastating.)
So I had gone that day with my mom and family to pick out her tombstone.
I remember it being such a sad, hard day, 
and that night I was sharing with David about the experience.
and he was trying to help.
Before I realized it,
he was telling me about what he wanted on his tombstone.
How he wanted deer by a stream and evergreen trees.
When I realized what he was saying,
I told him that I appreciated him trying to help me,
but I just couldn't talk about what he would want on his tombstone right now.
it was just to hard.
To which he said,

"you never know, 
I may die tomorrow."

I will never forget it.  
It hit me hard.
I was upset with him.

We changed the subject,
and the next day I watched him drive away for the last time.
Neither one of us realized it, but we would not meet again this side of heaven.

I got a call at work a few hours later that he'd been in an accident at work.
When I got to the hospital,
he was gone.
He had been electrocuted.





I was a 19 year old bride
who was having to bury her husband.

We had been married 7 months and 24 days.

Several weeks later when I went to have his tombstone made,
I knew exactly what it was to look like.
I didn't have to wonder.
I walked in and sitting in the showroom was a tombstone
with deer grazing by a stream amongst the evergreens.

I was taken aback.
I nearly collapsed.
There it was.
I didn't have to have it made after all.
All I had to do was have it engraved.
It was overwhelming.

I was away from the LORD at the time,
but it was one of those moments in my life
that I KNEW God was with me.
He was taking care of me.


As I stood at David's grave yesterday,
that memory came rushing back.
God in His love and mercy was taking care of me,
even when I was out there,
REALLY out there!  

As I looked down at his tombstone I thought,
"This was my husband."

It was hard.

I left and as I drove I spoke with the LORD (my covenant keeping God),
about my experience.
Why had all those feelings rushed in there like that?
What had just happened?

It has been 26 + years.
David died on July 8, 1986,
and yet here it is 26 years later and my heart still feels such
profound sadness.

And I have an amazing life.
Jesus is faithful.
I am a well-loved woman!
Jesus is faithful.

In that moment,
God in His grace,
let me know why I felt this way.

David was the first man I ever loved.
The first man that ever loved me.
He was the first person who really knew me.
He was my husband.  
My friend.
My love.

It was okay to miss him.
to love him.
to be sad sometimes.
even 26 years later.
It was okay.

God was showing me,
He knows me.
He sees me.
He REALLY sees me.
He understands.
He loves me.

It was a peaceful place.
A place of hope for me.
A place of healing.
All these years later.

The love of my Savior to care so much for me
to help me deal with these things
all these years later.

I love Him so.

Yes indeed,
From Crushed to Blessed!!!

Praise You Jesus!!


  1. I hate that you had to go through that... but our Lord sure is sovereign.

    I was thinking about you yesterday and wondered how you were, you haven't blogged in so long! I missed hearing what you are up to.

  2. Oh sweet friend... thank you for sharing this...

    I cant even imagine some of the things you've been through in your life... in your YOUNG life at that!

    But what a testimony of showing how God was with you...through it all...

    Sending you hugs & love!!!

  3. Wow! This is powerful. How blessed that you know Jesus and he was with you 26 years ago and he was with you yesterday, also. He is an awesome God. I am very sorry for your loss.